Gutting for the gutless

Clearly Tard has blood lust (This is blood lust Mongo) and deep mental instabilities. It's why we get along so well. For you, getting over your girly-man tendencies may be harder. So take off your skirt and get ready to GUT! When gutting a deer follow these steps:

WARNING - If you intend to mount your trophy do not cut skin above front legs. Start your cut where the breast bone comes together and proceed down. Obviously, no sawing will then be done to the breast bone, and you will be required to reach up in the chest cavity to cut the esophogus and remove the heart and lungs.

1) Ream butt hole with knife.

2) Overcome homophobia and grab pecker and cut off. Don't do this with does. Oh yeah, the deer's pecker.

3) Slit skin from sternum to butt hole. Continue slicing into meat being very careful not to cut into stomach lining. Get a really sharp, high quality knife or you'll screw it up for sure.

4) Use a bone saw or folding hunter's saw to cut through breast bone and pelvic bone.

5) Cut windpipe. Cut away lungs and internal organs from body cavity. Don't puncture the stomach. It is SOOOO gross and smells worse than a porta potty at a Jimmy Buffet concert (what do those parrot heads eat anyway?).

6) If this is your buddy's first kill harass and embarrass him into "becoming a man" by practicing the it-cannot-be-healthy tradition of drinking blood or eating a piece of the heart or something really barbaric like that. Don't stop your insults until he complies. If he vomits Email us the picture and we'll put it on our website. (Eat like a cave man at your own risk.)

7) Turn body on its side to get to that stringy stuff that holds everything in. Gently pull on colon ( reminds me of a joke <enter>:###) to remove previously reamed butthole. Don't yank too hard or it will rip and leave deer poop all over the inside. If you need to, cut stringy stuff connecting lower GI to cavity.

8) dump the now disconnected gut onto ground in big steaming pile.

9) Rinse cavity with water if available. You really need to clean out the cavity if you made a mistake and got stomach contents or feces loose in there. We have wiped out the inside with grass too which helped when water wasn't handy.

10) Split cavity and hang to cool. We haven't slit the throat to bleed the carcass but it makes sense. We'll let you know next year if bleeding reduces gaminess. Hell, if Jewish people do it it must be right. Shalom and good luck!

11) OPTIONAL - deposit hot gut pile on driveway of animal-rights activist (just kidding - we'll get sued, besides the animal rights people would kill us)

Caution - if you see spots on the meat or it has sat out for a long time in warm weather before gutting or the deer acted strangely before it was shot take extreme caution with the meat. Checking with your processor, the DNR or some qualified expert would be a damn good idea. Also, wear surgical gloves or shoulder length dressing gloves to minimize contact with blood. Mongo and Tard have never eaten anything raw from a deer and so, yes, we are not yet men; but at least we didn't keel over from some bizarre parasite or disease either.

Tard claimed ignorance on this one and tricked Mongo into doing all the work. Tard outsmarts Mongo again.